We’ve been busy around here for the past couple of weeks, and it doesn’t promise to let up for a few more. The holidays bring two things: millions of little tasks, like purchasing and installing a giant inflatable Santa Claus on the lawn, and an avalanche of catalogs.

Our mail comes through a slot in the front door, and more than once this season it’s been more than a little difficult getting into the house, so massive was the pile of catalogs on the rug.

One of the more interesting catalogs we’ve got is one full of what they call “gifts”. I cannot for the life of me think of why it would occur to anyone to purchase these particular items and give them to someone else — except that that’s a better choice than purchasing and keeping them.

So, to combine those two great Decemberween traditions of busyness and catalogs, I propose over the next week to slack off some more and, instead of writing anything, present for your amusement a selection of bewildering products available through the mail. Clicking on the pictures pops up larger versions.

Haircut Umbrella

I suppose this isn’t the stupidest product ever; should you happen to cut hair at home, it’d be very convenient to have a gadget to catch the clippings. Keep in mind that this is presented as a gift, though, and it gets weird. “Oh, Myrtle! That hair-cutting umbrella I’ve been talking about!” The look on the model’s face is priceless, too.

Pull-My-Finger Fred

That’s right, a farting toy. Perfect for display on the shelves next to your stressed-out Pepsi bottle and your googly-eyed walnut. Also available: Freddy Jr., who “lets loose in his diapers”.

Wrestling Afghan

And what do you put on the wall behind the TV, assuming that your shelves with the walnut, Pepsi bottle, and fart machines aren’t there? A wrestling Afghan, of course. No, silly, not a mujahideen; the blanket kind of Afghan. Except these feature pictures of “The Rock”, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, “Triple H”, “The Undertaker”, or Hulk Hogan. None of those names are familiar to me save that of Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan was wrestling back when I was ten years old and still found it entertaining. I can’t imagine what kind of person would like both wrestling and afghans. It’s chilling, really.